Enjoying Hallmark movies should be a felony

Kendall Harrison

Have a seat next to me. The paint is such a lovely color isn’t it? It’ll get lighter as it dries; it’s the quick dry kind so it should actually be dry by the end of the day. 

Why am I watching paint dry, you ask? It’s the holiday season and with that is the dreadful return of Hallmark movies, and as any sane person would agree- I would quite literally rather watch paint dry. 

With plots so repetitive and thin, it’s hard to argue that any Hallmark movie has even the complexity of an episode of Scooby-Doo. 

Zoinks Scoob, the evil real-estate agent is trying to steal the hard work of the quirky career woman who is falling in love with the local quirky baker. 

What’s this? A mask? That’s not just any real-estate agent, Scoob, that’s the disapproving mother of the local baker who is angry at her son for pursuing a culinary career and not the family real-estate business.

That’s not the actual plot of any Hallmark movie, it’s pieced together— or should I say scraped together— from other Hallmark movies, but I really hit the nail on the head, didn’t I?

Honestly, I should consider trademarking my idea before I see a commercial for it next holiday season starring DJ from Full House. 

I dare you to recall the actual title of even a single Hallmark movie. You can’t do it, can you?

Fret not, neither can I, nor should any human being be able to. You should only begin to worry if you answered yes. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a hundred times more: Enjoying Hallmark movies should be a federal offense; it’s cause for a question of sanity. 

I recognize the limited selection of truly outstanding holiday movies.

With nothing but Elf, Christmas Story, Santa Buddies, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a handful of others, it’s almost understandable as to why so many would turn to the Hallmark channel for that fulfillment, but it isn’t your only choice. You can always go watch paint dry, satisfaction guaranteed. 

The leisurely process of wet paint morphing into dry paint will surely excite you more. The unblended brush strokes will prove to have more depth than any character Hallmark has to offer. 

It’s time to face the facts: Hallmark movies are awful. Shallow characters, recycled plots, three actresses for all 7,000,000 movies. They’re bad. Like, really bad. 

The world will be a much better place once everyone recognizes this truth.

Until that day, you can find me sitting contently in a chair facing the wall, watching paint dry.

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