So, it’s spoopy season once more. Yes, I said it. Spoopy. 

Chances are, between studying for tests, doing homework, and pondering the meaning of life, you’ve hardly had a chance to prepare your mind for the dancing skeletons who are upon us now. 

Let’s begin by taking a couple minutes to get your mind in that state. Just breathe. Think of cartoon spiders. Summon tastes of stale candy corn. Embrace the suffocating feeling of a costume that’s too tight.

Good. Now you’re ready to get into the spirit of Halloween. 

There are two steps to this process; neither are to be taken lightly. 

Firstly, one must consider all the Halloween candy, through all the generations, in all the world, that has been left uneaten, thrown away, and allowed to decay. For so many, Halloween is about the candies and sweet treats they will get to eat, but they forgot all the abandoned and forgotten candy from Halloweens past. 

Just envision, a small, innocent, snack-sized pack of Whoppers weeping in a dark, dank cupboard. It had so much potential. 

To truly engage with the spirit of Halloween, one must advocate for these lost candies- become the lonely package of Whoppers.

Now that you have cried out to sensitive snacks, you better understand the bite-sized emotions of Halloween. By seeing all that is lost, you now are able to better appreciate and value you candy you receive. 

This leads us to our second step: maximize the potential of every candy. The best way to do this is by going door-to-door and accepting into your possession these poor treats that could be wasted if you don’t. 

Now this may sound to you like trick-or-treating, but I assure you, it is not. This is true, honest, charitable work for the sake of the candy. Once you have gotten all the candy you possibly can, pat yourself on the back. You’re a hero.

Next you have to stuff your face. Eat it all. As your stomach begins to ache, set your mind back to those lost candies and remember what you came here to do. 

Candy was made to be eaten. It is a crying shame to allow that purpose to fade away. This Halloween, don’t be greedy. Eat all the candy you possibly can. 

Make the Dots feel valued. Eat the candy no one else will. Stand for justice.

This is the true spirit of Halloween.