Enjoying Hallmark movies should be a felony
Have a seat next to me. The paint is such a lovely color isn’t it? It’ll get lighter as it dries; it’s the quick dry kind so it should actually be dry by the end of the day.
Why am I watching paint dry, you ask? It’s the holiday season and with that is the dreadful return of Hallmark movies, and as any sane person would agree- I would quite literally rather watch paint dry.
With plots so repetitive and thin, it’s hard to argue that any Hallmark movie has even the complexity of an episode of Scooby-Doo.
Zoinks Scoob, the evil real-estate agent is trying to steal the hard work of the quirky career woman who is falling in love with the local quirky baker.
What’s this? A mask? That’s not just any real-estate agent, Scoob, that’s the disapproving mother of the local baker who is angry at her son for pursuing a culinary career and not the family real-estate business.
That’s not the actual plot of any Hallmark movie, it’s pieced together— or should I say scraped together— from other Hallmark movies, but I really hit the nail on the head, didn’t I?
Honestly, I should consider trademarking my idea before I see a commercial for it next holiday season starring DJ from Full House.
I dare you to recall the actual title of even a single Hallmark movie. You can’t do it, can you?
Fret not, neither can I, nor should any human being be able to. You should only begin to worry if you answered yes. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a hundred times more: Enjoying Hallmark movies should be a federal offense; it’s cause for a question of sanity.
I recognize the limited selection of truly outstanding holiday movies.
With nothing but Elf, Christmas Story, Santa Buddies, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a handful of others, it’s almost understandable as to why so many would turn to the Hallmark channel for that fulfillment, but it isn’t your only choice. You can always go watch paint dry, satisfaction guaranteed.
The leisurely process of wet paint morphing into dry paint will surely excite you more. The unblended brush strokes will prove to have more depth than any character Hallmark has to offer.
It’s time to face the facts: Hallmark movies are awful. Shallow characters, recycled plots, three actresses for all 7,000,000 movies. They’re bad. Like, really bad.
The world will be a much better place once everyone recognizes this truth.
Until that day, you can find me sitting contently in a chair facing the wall, watching paint dry.
Hallmark movies: The only reliable thing in today’s world
Have you ever been flipping through the TV and somehow landed on the Hallmark channel?
Like many Americans with a television, I’m sure you have. I for one, absolutely love these movies.
My granny does too, and it’s always kind of an unspoken tradition that we watch a couple of them whenever we are together. You almost can’t help yourself.
You just get sucked into the story of a small town girl who moves in the big city for years until she finally comes back for Christmas only to fall back in love with her hometown best friend. They capture your attention like no other if you watch them long enough.
In times like this America needs stability and reliability. And that’s what the Hallmark channel brings its viewers.
You always know what is going to happen; there are never any twists or parts you wish they could change, no deaths of your favorite characters, or split views of fandoms.
They are solely predictable. And in today’s world, with all the uncertainty, we need predictability.
We often forget to love the simple things in life. A simple plot that stays true to itself.
Hallmark never tries to be something it’s not. You will never be disappointed.
They are indeed, the most reliable thing in today’s world. It’s very comforting to have a channel that will never change.
And sure, you can say they “reuse” actors and actresses but on the contrary, I love that they do this. I find my favorites and can watch all of their movies.
My personal favorite is Lacey Chabert, or as some might know her as “Gretchen Weiners.” Yes, the girl who played the iconic brunette we all know and love from Mean Girls, is indeed a Hallmark star.
My favorite of hers is, A Wish for Christmas. I won’t go too much into the plot, but it’s basically the story of a girl who finds her voice and true love in under an hour and a half.
And I get it, there are a lot of these movies. So I’ll give you my favorites so you have a place to start: A Christmas Card, Ice Sculpture Christmas, and last but not least, A Veteran’s Christmas.”
Now for my Hallmark fans out there, you have probably seen most every Hallmark Movie ever made, like myself. Don’t fret. Good Housekeeping reports, “In total, there will be 40 brand-new holiday movies-23 on Hallmark Channel and 17 on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries.”
So the next time you are trying to find something to watch this season, give the Hallmark channel a chance. It might surprise you.